Saturday, April 28, 2007

A visit and another day to treasure

A friend of mine - we'll call him Mark, 'cos that's his name - came up yesterday and stayed over. We met in the agency where I used to be creative director and bonded over a mutual love for Steve Earle and American roots music. Neither Terry nor Matthew knew Mark and, although I wasn't thinking of this, it has become more significant to me as I've thought back over the visit. I'm hoping he'll keep in touch, not just for the duration of my ilness, but afterwards as well. MAtthew's taken a big shine to him - "He's going to be one of my best grown-up friends..." - and he has his own little boy just a year older than Matthew. It would be good for Mark to be able to give Terry and Matthew a reference point for 'Work Brian,' the person who existed when I left home in the mornings. Also, because I'm such a sad music buff and have shared my enthusiasm for this with him, that'll be another little reserve of knowledge for my loved ones to drawn on.
He also brought up - very sensitively - something that is probably going to be a problem for me. Mark, like my immediate family and a number of my friends, is born again. And born again people want to convert you. For the sincere ones, this is because they honestly believe that, should you be unsaved, you will suffer eternal damnation and they love you and don't want this to happen. Others I believe are not so sincere; I think they find it a kind of slight that you could dare face death without agreeing to accept their point of view. My mum will want me to convert. Terry doesn't need me to convert but it would make her a great deal happier if I was to say that I think something of me will survive and that we'll meet up again and be reunited. And I would love that, too, for the circle to be unbroken. But I would also love not to be dying and one of the things recent events has taught me is that the universe does not mould itself to our expectations, not matter how much we wish it would. In a way, I do think I'll survive but - and this'll come as no surprise to those who know me - in an abstract way not as any kind of physical being.
I'm not frightened of ceasing to exist. Because they will be no me to be afriad. There was no me before 1961 and the thought of that doesn't scare me, why is the nothingness I go to now any different?
I'll not go on anymore about this but you can bet your life we'll be back at this topic sometime in the future.
Anyway, Mark has never been to this part of the world so, before we went home, we took him a quick trip around the immediate area. It sounds stupid, especially to anyone who lives among huge, spectacular scenary, but I really do think that I live among some of the most beautiful places in the world. The sun shone today, the birds are back in the trees, the whin is blazing out from the hedgerows and it was jsut magnificent.
So, a good day. And here's to another one tomorrow.



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